For the past 4 months, I have been jobless and was unable to find any job. I was offered an extension contract but I rejected it because of a certain reason that I chose never to speak of. I watch as fresh grads got jobs, interviews and offers as I still lay wasted at the sidewalk like a piece of discarded junk. Unemployment really takes it toll on someone mental health and physical health.
Today, as I put on my formal clothes for part time teaching at school, I noticed that I lost quite a lot weight. Base on my estimation, I reckon I lost nearly 10kg. I wasn’t able to secure my belt as per last time and had to go the extra hole just to get it tight. I felt my shirt was really loose and baggy. Everything just feels completely off… Obviously, this is what you get for quitting your job and not being able to find one. Everyday, I am surviving on one meal or sometimes not eating at all. On weekends, I will reward myself with just one Mac breakfast. I find myself rejecting more of my friend’s offer to go out for meals. It isn’t because I don’t want to eat but generally I need to save the resources to pay my school fees and any bills.
I dare to lift my head up and say that I worked harder than most people yet I am in such a dire state. I did what I could during my 3 years in college to attain the best possible grades that God was willing to give me. In fact, I was 5 marks shy of being a first-class honours. I signed up to be a marketing executive for ODAC because it was the right thing to do to enhance my resume. Yet I am still left on the shelf unemployed. The people that I see lazing off their ass in school have all clinched a job and seem to be advancing rather well in their individual careers yet the person who wakes up daily at 8 and fulfill his own personal responsibilities is neglected. Just what exactly is wrong with me?
Many times, I have thoughts about just ending it all by stepping over the ledge of tall buildings. I feel there is no purpose in my life anymore, I feel…useless. In the past, I glowed with confidence in my school work and anything that comes my way. Now I have got no idea what to do with my life. Being unemployed worsens the situation because I have huge amount of time and inability to change the situation. The huge amount of free time gives way to a door welcoming thoughts that eventually lead to the demise of myself. After all, the society does not need me cause I am just another useless bum. No one will miss me even when I am gone. These thoughts have increased in frequency over the few weeks and I start to realised these thoughts start to spike because I am seeing the success of my friends. What exactly is wrong with me?
I feel so tired going out with my friends because I need to put on a facade and smile like nothing is wrong. I am unable to confide in anyone. I couldn’t show my feelings to anyone. I was lonely. No one called.
Generally, I am still thankful that I have 1 meal to eat everyday and a shelter over my head. Still, where is the future in all of these nonsense that I gotten myself into. I just appeal to those who have a bit more than me to really appreciate the life God has given you and give thanks to God.
I have been praying to God for guidance and there is nothing I could do to change the reality. I don’t want to lead such a life anymore where I need to cower in fear and frugality just because I am useless. I really do not know just how long my mind will be able to hold onto reality before I succumb to the dark thoughts lingering at the back of my head. Just what exactly is wrong with me?